Parenting/Child Family Advocacy Classes

Today I start a new journaling section for my Parenting 220 class and Child and Family Advocacy 460 class.  I will be posting my thoughts on questions asked weekly.

It is important for us to understand that we are agent's, blessed with agency, who can act rather than be acted upon as learners so that we move forward with our learning, and not sit waiting in the process.  We can choose what and how we learn, and be excited about learning instead of just memorizing.
As I choose to learn, I will be better able to interact with the world around me.  It will not just be "things happening to me" but will be me influencing the world around me.
We need to learn to keep our minds active and prepare ourselves to be a positive influence in the world around us.  It will also help prepare us to become God's and Goddesses.  We cannot obtain celestial glory, assigned to create world's, without knowledge and understanding.
We need to learn by seeking and applying it in our daily lives.
At BYU-Idaho, I will be able to seek some of this learning and use it in my daily life, not just pass a class.
In Elder Bednar's talk, Learning to Love Learning, he said we must seek all learning in faith and that not all learning is equal.  We should seek the best learning and apply gospel truths in our lives if we are to become like our Father in Heaven.

As typical college students, we can seek for forgiveness on wrong answers, missed assignments, and failed tests.  This shows we were not concerned with the learning, but more about the grade.  If we want to learn, we put for the effort to understand, which will help us with our grades.

In learning we must have an understanding. In the Private Universe video, we see that even top-notch students didn't understand and learn, or even care, about certain subjects.

While watching the presentation of, "In Memory of Our God, Religion, Freedom, Peace, Wives and Children" I took the following points. 
What can I be doing more to strengthen my family? 
Satan LEADS us away, not something abrupt.
Philosophies of men are mingling with scriptures and we need to be diligent in keeping commandments.

In-Law Relations

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. —Genesis 2:24

In twenty-eight years of marriage, my husband and I have only lived an hour from my parents for the first three years, since then we have lived this scripture to its fullest.  We have spent many years far from family, only to rely on and grow together as a couple, and then as a family.  Have we missed out on many of the family activities that our siblings and parents have enjoyed together?  Yes, but we have also created many fond memories of our own, while strengthening our family unit.  This isn’t to say that we have left our own families behind and forgotten the ties we have with them.  We try to stay in touch as much as possible, which is now easier than it used to be before cell phones and internet, we travel to visit as often as we can and we continue to vacation with, and send our boys to stay for extended amounts of time.  We hold those ties dear, and encourage our boys to stay close to cousins, aunt and uncles, and grandparents in all that they do.  I feel that this is VERY important.  Our back yard has yet to have the landscaping finished because I feel it is more important to use our funds to visit family often.  And I am sure that the memories my boys have from that will far out way their memories of a waterfall in the backyard.  Elder Marvin J. Ashton, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles give us his definition of this scripture as follows, “Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength …. Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.” (1974, January) He took him by the hand, Ensign, 4(1), 101.

            That being said, I know that our close ties to the family we leave as we are married should not be placed in front of the new family unit we create with a spouse.  I am a new mother-in-law to two beautiful girls.  I pray every day that I will be able to develop and build lasting relationships with my new girls, as well as stay close to my boys.  Although this is something that is extremely important to me, I am more prayerful that my sons and their wives will cling to one another and cleave, or as the dictionary defines it, “to remain attached, devoted, or faithful to,” and “to remain steadfast” to one another before their childhood families.  James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen share many ways we can create healthy family ties when our children leave our home.  Here is a list of the points they make in, Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” (pp. 327-334)

-Newly Married Couple should leave their parent and cleave unto their spouses

-Helping newly married couple create a marital identity

-Accepting Differences

-Including new spouse in the extended family 

 By building a strong family unit with our spouse, and allowing our children to create a strong family unit with their spouse, we can build an eternal family that will be loving and caring and bonded throughout time and eternity.

The power of Vitamin 'N'.

Many children are deficient in vitamin N, says Richard Miller director of BYU School of Family Life (BYU Conference on Family Life March 28, 2008).  You may ask, "What is vitamin N?".....This is the character building word, No. 

Why is it so hard for us parents to say no to our children sometimes?  For some parents, it is more often a struggle than not.  Unfortunately, the struggle we face as parents to say no to our children, sets them up to look at themselves as self-important, greater than all, or "the boss" of the family.  When my husband and I were expecting our first child we took on a job of "caring" for a young man that was about eleven years old.  My husband was in graduate school for Social Work, and one of his professors had some friends that had adopted this boy at a young age.  The parents were older, all of their other children grown and out of the home.  They were tired and had tried to love this boy, who was abandoned by his mother, by giving him EVERYTHING he desired.  They had come to a point where they needed a break.... daily.... and my husband was offered the job.  

            The first week was very eye opening to my husband.  He told me that he had been in the boys’ room with him to help him with studying when the boy decided he wanted to play video games instead.  When my husband told him that he needed to get his work done first, he picked up the tv that was in his room and threw it across the floor. The next day there was a new tv in his room, bigger and better than the one he had destroyed. 

I am a parent so I understand being tired, but letting our children dictate the rules and standards we live by can be damaging for our familial relationships, as well as their relationships with others outside the home.  Miller says, “In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children.”  By showing our children the unity between father and mother, standing in love to guide their children, we can help them realize that through life they will not always get what they want, but they will be loved and cared for by their parents. 

We also need to remember that our role as parent does not mean that we “lay down the law” and expect our children to obey.  One of the blessings and growing experiences for me as a parent has been to learn to lead with love.  When I counsel with my husband or children, I can feel the spirit guide me in using the time to listen and value our family unit as a whole. 

In my religion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe and follow a Proclamation to the world given by our Latter-day prophets.  In it we read:

HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

            Ultimately we need to teach our children to respect themselves and others by working with us to build a strong family unit that counsels together and honors one another. 

Fidelity in Marriage

The stars that shine in a newlywed couple’s eyes are generally unmistakable.  They care more for one another and their new union than any other thing in the world.  They seem to float along, caring for and nurturing one another in daily bliss.  What they “think” is true love is only the buds of beautiful relationship, if they nurture and sanctify it.  What does it mean to sanctify a marriage?  In the dictionary it is defined as, “set apart as or declare holy; consecrate; purify; unburden; approve”.  In marriage, we must dedicate our love as an unburdened, consecrated, blessed union between Husband, Wife, and our Father in Heaven.  President John Taylor, a prophet for my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, once said, “We have a great many principles innate in our natures that are correct, but they want sanctifying …. (God) has planted a natural desire in women towards man, and in man towards women and a feeling of affection, regard, and sympathy exists between the sexes.  We bring it into the world with us, but that, like everything else, has to be sanctified.” (p.61 Intimacy in Marriage and Gospel Kingdom) In, A Parent’s Guide from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it says;

“Couples will discover differences in the needs or desires each partner has for the relationship, but when each strives to satisfy the needs of the other these differences need not present a serious problem. Remember, this intimate relationship between husband and wife was established to bring joy to them. An effort to reach this righteous objective will enable married couples to use their complementary natures to bring joy to this union.”

While studying fidelity and physical intimacy this week in our marriage class, I have read some beautiful words from my church’s prophets.  The encouragement of love and affection between husband and wife is evident.  The main counsel given is to respect and honor one another in this sacred act and bond.  If we do not show respect physical intimacy can become corrupt and lustful rather than holy and unifying.   We also must take precaution to protect the importance and fragility of the fidelity within our marriage.  We are told over and over again to avoid all appearances of evil.  Once we begin to let our eyes, our emotions, or even our confidences stray to someone outside our marriage, we are opening up the gateway for Satan to break that sanctity that we should be strengthening daily with our spouse.  President Ezra Taft Benson said,

“A good question to ask ourselves is this: Would my spouse be pleased if he or she knew I was doing this? Would a wife be pleased to know that her husband lunches alone with his secretary? Would a husband be pleased if he saw his wife flirting and being coy with another man? My beloved brothers and sisters, this is what Paul men at when he said, “Abstain from all appearance of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:22). (The Law of Chastity, BYU 1987-88 Devotional and Fireside Speeches [1988], p. 52)

My husband and I once had an experience where a friend of ours had emailed me privately with expressions of admiration and kindness.  I didn’t want to ignore the email and have him think that I was keeping it quiet, so I replied and added his wife and my husband to the reply.  This quickly put an end to the emailing, which I was grateful for. 

Once the stars have aligned and we are no longer floating around in newly marital bliss, we can focus on the sanctity that our marriage requires and the joy that we find in honoring both our spouse, and the covenant of marriage that we have entered into. 

Seek to Understand

My husband in an LCSW who works with inmates in the state prison system.  One of the sayings he often uses with them, and shares with our boys when they face a problem, is that if you poop in your pants and deny it, it doesn’t mean that everyone around you can’t smell it.  In the afterward: What Now? In John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he shared an analogy of the Marital Poop Detector that made me laugh and think of my husband’s analogy.  He states that this is “an early-warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy ….. it’s really a way of recognizing early whether something just doesn’t smell right.” (p. 280) When we recognize early on if there is a stress or disconnect in our marriage, we have the ability to “clean up” what is not working and choose to strengthen our relationship.  This is important because when something is not right, or does not smell right, we can’t just ignore it and have it go away, we have to face it and take care of it before it becomes worse.

           

I really enjoyed chapter seven and the conclusion in Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.  These chapters spoke to my soul.  I have been working on becoming more charitable over the past couple of years.  I feel like this is one of the purest Christlike attributes that I can attain for myself.  When I have set goals and prayerfully considered how I might become more charitable, I have most often thought of others, outside my family.  In chapter seven about charity I was touched by Goddard’s words, and felt an overwhelming peace when I read about applying them to my marriage and family.  How beautiful and absolutely true that the simple acts of charity, looking past annoyances and focusing on the traits that we love, can help us love more.  Goddard shared a story of John Glenn that was so beautiful and tender.  Goddard summed it up by sharing, “John Glenn’s accomplishments as a pilot and an astronaut are remarkable.  His strength of character is commendable.  Yet his greatest accomplishment may have been the kindness and tenderness he showed his wife, Annie.”  (p, 121)

            There have been times in my marriage that I have been annoyed and frustrated with my husband’s habits or reponses to certain situations.  When I look back and consider that if I had just allowed him to be him, without judging or condemning, I could have drawn closer to him instead of allowing the “poop” to affect my love for him.  Marvin J. Ashton, an apostle in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, my religion, explained charity this way: “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize some else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet.  Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcoming; having patience with someone who has let us down.” (The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword, Ensign, May 1992, p. 19)

            I am so excited to reread this chapter and begin applying it to my marriage and my life in general.  I am grateful for the opportunity to grow and become more like my Savior through acts of charity in my home and my marriage.