The power of Vitamin 'N'.

Many children are deficient in vitamin N, says Richard Miller director of BYU School of Family Life (BYU Conference on Family Life March 28, 2008).  You may ask, "What is vitamin N?".....This is the character building word, No. 

Why is it so hard for us parents to say no to our children sometimes?  For some parents, it is more often a struggle than not.  Unfortunately, the struggle we face as parents to say no to our children, sets them up to look at themselves as self-important, greater than all, or "the boss" of the family.  When my husband and I were expecting our first child we took on a job of "caring" for a young man that was about eleven years old.  My husband was in graduate school for Social Work, and one of his professors had some friends that had adopted this boy at a young age.  The parents were older, all of their other children grown and out of the home.  They were tired and had tried to love this boy, who was abandoned by his mother, by giving him EVERYTHING he desired.  They had come to a point where they needed a break.... daily.... and my husband was offered the job.  

            The first week was very eye opening to my husband.  He told me that he had been in the boys’ room with him to help him with studying when the boy decided he wanted to play video games instead.  When my husband told him that he needed to get his work done first, he picked up the tv that was in his room and threw it across the floor. The next day there was a new tv in his room, bigger and better than the one he had destroyed. 

I am a parent so I understand being tired, but letting our children dictate the rules and standards we live by can be damaging for our familial relationships, as well as their relationships with others outside the home.  Miller says, “In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children.”  By showing our children the unity between father and mother, standing in love to guide their children, we can help them realize that through life they will not always get what they want, but they will be loved and cared for by their parents. 

We also need to remember that our role as parent does not mean that we “lay down the law” and expect our children to obey.  One of the blessings and growing experiences for me as a parent has been to learn to lead with love.  When I counsel with my husband or children, I can feel the spirit guide me in using the time to listen and value our family unit as a whole. 

In my religion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe and follow a Proclamation to the world given by our Latter-day prophets.  In it we read:

HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

            Ultimately we need to teach our children to respect themselves and others by working with us to build a strong family unit that counsels together and honors one another. 

Fidelity in Marriage

The stars that shine in a newlywed couple’s eyes are generally unmistakable.  They care more for one another and their new union than any other thing in the world.  They seem to float along, caring for and nurturing one another in daily bliss.  What they “think” is true love is only the buds of beautiful relationship, if they nurture and sanctify it.  What does it mean to sanctify a marriage?  In the dictionary it is defined as, “set apart as or declare holy; consecrate; purify; unburden; approve”.  In marriage, we must dedicate our love as an unburdened, consecrated, blessed union between Husband, Wife, and our Father in Heaven.  President John Taylor, a prophet for my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, once said, “We have a great many principles innate in our natures that are correct, but they want sanctifying …. (God) has planted a natural desire in women towards man, and in man towards women and a feeling of affection, regard, and sympathy exists between the sexes.  We bring it into the world with us, but that, like everything else, has to be sanctified.” (p.61 Intimacy in Marriage and Gospel Kingdom) In, A Parent’s Guide from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it says;

“Couples will discover differences in the needs or desires each partner has for the relationship, but when each strives to satisfy the needs of the other these differences need not present a serious problem. Remember, this intimate relationship between husband and wife was established to bring joy to them. An effort to reach this righteous objective will enable married couples to use their complementary natures to bring joy to this union.”

While studying fidelity and physical intimacy this week in our marriage class, I have read some beautiful words from my church’s prophets.  The encouragement of love and affection between husband and wife is evident.  The main counsel given is to respect and honor one another in this sacred act and bond.  If we do not show respect physical intimacy can become corrupt and lustful rather than holy and unifying.   We also must take precaution to protect the importance and fragility of the fidelity within our marriage.  We are told over and over again to avoid all appearances of evil.  Once we begin to let our eyes, our emotions, or even our confidences stray to someone outside our marriage, we are opening up the gateway for Satan to break that sanctity that we should be strengthening daily with our spouse.  President Ezra Taft Benson said,

“A good question to ask ourselves is this: Would my spouse be pleased if he or she knew I was doing this? Would a wife be pleased to know that her husband lunches alone with his secretary? Would a husband be pleased if he saw his wife flirting and being coy with another man? My beloved brothers and sisters, this is what Paul men at when he said, “Abstain from all appearance of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:22). (The Law of Chastity, BYU 1987-88 Devotional and Fireside Speeches [1988], p. 52)

My husband and I once had an experience where a friend of ours had emailed me privately with expressions of admiration and kindness.  I didn’t want to ignore the email and have him think that I was keeping it quiet, so I replied and added his wife and my husband to the reply.  This quickly put an end to the emailing, which I was grateful for. 

Once the stars have aligned and we are no longer floating around in newly marital bliss, we can focus on the sanctity that our marriage requires and the joy that we find in honoring both our spouse, and the covenant of marriage that we have entered into. 

Seek to Understand

My husband in an LCSW who works with inmates in the state prison system.  One of the sayings he often uses with them, and shares with our boys when they face a problem, is that if you poop in your pants and deny it, it doesn’t mean that everyone around you can’t smell it.  In the afterward: What Now? In John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he shared an analogy of the Marital Poop Detector that made me laugh and think of my husband’s analogy.  He states that this is “an early-warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy ….. it’s really a way of recognizing early whether something just doesn’t smell right.” (p. 280) When we recognize early on if there is a stress or disconnect in our marriage, we have the ability to “clean up” what is not working and choose to strengthen our relationship.  This is important because when something is not right, or does not smell right, we can’t just ignore it and have it go away, we have to face it and take care of it before it becomes worse.

           

I really enjoyed chapter seven and the conclusion in Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.  These chapters spoke to my soul.  I have been working on becoming more charitable over the past couple of years.  I feel like this is one of the purest Christlike attributes that I can attain for myself.  When I have set goals and prayerfully considered how I might become more charitable, I have most often thought of others, outside my family.  In chapter seven about charity I was touched by Goddard’s words, and felt an overwhelming peace when I read about applying them to my marriage and family.  How beautiful and absolutely true that the simple acts of charity, looking past annoyances and focusing on the traits that we love, can help us love more.  Goddard shared a story of John Glenn that was so beautiful and tender.  Goddard summed it up by sharing, “John Glenn’s accomplishments as a pilot and an astronaut are remarkable.  His strength of character is commendable.  Yet his greatest accomplishment may have been the kindness and tenderness he showed his wife, Annie.”  (p, 121)

            There have been times in my marriage that I have been annoyed and frustrated with my husband’s habits or reponses to certain situations.  When I look back and consider that if I had just allowed him to be him, without judging or condemning, I could have drawn closer to him instead of allowing the “poop” to affect my love for him.  Marvin J. Ashton, an apostle in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, my religion, explained charity this way: “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize some else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet.  Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcoming; having patience with someone who has let us down.” (The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword, Ensign, May 1992, p. 19)

            I am so excited to reread this chapter and begin applying it to my marriage and my life in general.  I am grateful for the opportunity to grow and become more like my Savior through acts of charity in my home and my marriage. 

Consecrating ourselves to our Marriage

Anyone that has been married, or even in a serious relationship, can probably testify that working together and managing conflict is a very important part of liking one another, which only enhances your love for one another.  We cannot go through life agreeing with everyone or everything.  This especially applies to someone we live with 24/7.  There are bound to be conflicts, small and seemingly of little importance when looked back upon, and others that can be big enough to cause major conflict and issues that we need to work through. 

This week’s lesson in my Marriage class was about managing conflict and consecrating ourselves to our marriage.  In Goddard’s pamphlet, Drawing Yourself into your Marriage, he quotes Kent Brooks of the BYU faculty in observing, "Our capacity to love a spouse deeply and our ability to experience great joy in marriage are commensurate with the degree to which we are willing to suffer and hurt, to labor and toil, and to persevere through moments of unhappiness, stress, disappointment, and tests of our patience and love for our partners." (p.106). We have to be willing to go through the tough times and conversations to grow together and become unified.  It is through these times that we have to draw on the Lord to help us remember the “why’s” of choosing our spouse and the desire to continue to strengthen our partnership.  John Gottman shared his belief that compromise is the only way to solve marital problems in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  He makes the point that is doesn’t seem right that either partner always gets their way, if they have a loving intimate relationship.  He shares steps that enable a compromise to happen in a healthy way. 

If we want to understand consecration, or the solemn dedication to a special purpose or service, in marriage, we must understand how dedicating ourselves to this sacred union and person can be valued.  Goddard states,  

“Consecration has everything to do with marriage. It is much more than "staying together for the kids." It is acting to redeem our partners and our covenants with everything we have and everything we may draw from Heaven. We do all of this in order to establish Zion in our homes.” (p105)

We must desire home as a heaven on earth, a place of peace and unity in purpose.  Through this desire of unity and consecration, we can invite the spirit to guide us in compromise and managing conflict. 

A few weeks ago I shared a picture and quote of a marriage being built one brick at a time.  While reading Goddard’s pamphlet this week I came across this quote that reiderates that thought. “But those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories. They are building an eternal relationship one brick at a time.” (p 109)

I am grateful for the times that my husband and I have been able to work through conflict in a productive, healthy way.  It has strengthened our marriage and commitment to one another to be one.