Seek to Understand

My husband in an LCSW who works with inmates in the state prison system.  One of the sayings he often uses with them, and shares with our boys when they face a problem, is that if you poop in your pants and deny it, it doesn’t mean that everyone around you can’t smell it.  In the afterward: What Now? In John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he shared an analogy of the Marital Poop Detector that made me laugh and think of my husband’s analogy.  He states that this is “an early-warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy ….. it’s really a way of recognizing early whether something just doesn’t smell right.” (p. 280) When we recognize early on if there is a stress or disconnect in our marriage, we have the ability to “clean up” what is not working and choose to strengthen our relationship.  This is important because when something is not right, or does not smell right, we can’t just ignore it and have it go away, we have to face it and take care of it before it becomes worse.

           

I really enjoyed chapter seven and the conclusion in Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.  These chapters spoke to my soul.  I have been working on becoming more charitable over the past couple of years.  I feel like this is one of the purest Christlike attributes that I can attain for myself.  When I have set goals and prayerfully considered how I might become more charitable, I have most often thought of others, outside my family.  In chapter seven about charity I was touched by Goddard’s words, and felt an overwhelming peace when I read about applying them to my marriage and family.  How beautiful and absolutely true that the simple acts of charity, looking past annoyances and focusing on the traits that we love, can help us love more.  Goddard shared a story of John Glenn that was so beautiful and tender.  Goddard summed it up by sharing, “John Glenn’s accomplishments as a pilot and an astronaut are remarkable.  His strength of character is commendable.  Yet his greatest accomplishment may have been the kindness and tenderness he showed his wife, Annie.”  (p, 121)

            There have been times in my marriage that I have been annoyed and frustrated with my husband’s habits or reponses to certain situations.  When I look back and consider that if I had just allowed him to be him, without judging or condemning, I could have drawn closer to him instead of allowing the “poop” to affect my love for him.  Marvin J. Ashton, an apostle in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, my religion, explained charity this way: “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize some else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet.  Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcoming; having patience with someone who has let us down.” (The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword, Ensign, May 1992, p. 19)

            I am so excited to reread this chapter and begin applying it to my marriage and my life in general.  I am grateful for the opportunity to grow and become more like my Savior through acts of charity in my home and my marriage.