Beware of Pride

“Research shows that a husband who can accept influence from his wife also tends to be an outstanding father.”  

                                                                    John Gottman (p.124)

This week in my Marriage class we are studying pride.  This quote by John Gottman (2015) shows that when we accept influence from our spouse, and let our pride and stubbornness fall away, we can become better spouses and parents.  Gottman also recognizes that it obviously takes two to make or break a marriage, so the principles we study in his book are not just about husbands.  As married couples we need to be on the “same team” in order to show respect and admiration for one another.  When we decide we need to prove we are right, we let pride creep into our marriage and put us on unleveled grounds with our spouse. 

President Ezra Taft Benson, a former president of my religion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, warned us against the dangers of pride in a talk he gave in 1989 titled, Beware of Pride. He describes most humans’ general definition of pride as, “self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness.”  He acknowledges that although these terms are correct in defining pride, one key feature is usually missing from our view, and that is, “enmity – enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen.  Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.”  When I read his explanation, I understood a little more why pride in a marriage can be so destructive. 

            When we are at odds, or opposition with our spouse, we can build hostility and hatred in our hearts towards them.  We see ourselves as “better than” or superior to them.  We can begin to bring contempt, one of Gottman’s four horsemen (p.32), into our marriage and ultimately turn our hearts away from them. 

            I have had to check myself with my husband and boys at times.  When I recognize that I want more than anything to “prove” I am right about something, my relationships with those I love most suffers.  Does it really matter?  Not in the end.  If I am in alliance with my husband to keep us “on the same team” so to speak, we can work through differences without having to prove anything.  In being unified, we work together to make our marriage and family stronger and more loving.  In President Benson’s talk he quoted Proverbs 16:18, “Pride goeth before destruction”.  This was pertaining to nations in the scriptures, but can easily be applied to a marriage, or even an individual. 

            I think one of the best ways to increase my humility and overcome pride is to remember that the relationship is the most important thing in a marriage and parental relationship.  Remembering that we are all on a journey and we need the love and support of our family to help us through is a great way to see the person with kindness.  When we choose to be humble and selfless, we can choose God, our marriage, and our family before our self.