Seek to Understand

My husband in an LCSW who works with inmates in the state prison system.  One of the sayings he often uses with them, and shares with our boys when they face a problem, is that if you poop in your pants and deny it, it doesn’t mean that everyone around you can’t smell it.  In the afterward: What Now? In John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he shared an analogy of the Marital Poop Detector that made me laugh and think of my husband’s analogy.  He states that this is “an early-warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy ….. it’s really a way of recognizing early whether something just doesn’t smell right.” (p. 280) When we recognize early on if there is a stress or disconnect in our marriage, we have the ability to “clean up” what is not working and choose to strengthen our relationship.  This is important because when something is not right, or does not smell right, we can’t just ignore it and have it go away, we have to face it and take care of it before it becomes worse.

           

I really enjoyed chapter seven and the conclusion in Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.  These chapters spoke to my soul.  I have been working on becoming more charitable over the past couple of years.  I feel like this is one of the purest Christlike attributes that I can attain for myself.  When I have set goals and prayerfully considered how I might become more charitable, I have most often thought of others, outside my family.  In chapter seven about charity I was touched by Goddard’s words, and felt an overwhelming peace when I read about applying them to my marriage and family.  How beautiful and absolutely true that the simple acts of charity, looking past annoyances and focusing on the traits that we love, can help us love more.  Goddard shared a story of John Glenn that was so beautiful and tender.  Goddard summed it up by sharing, “John Glenn’s accomplishments as a pilot and an astronaut are remarkable.  His strength of character is commendable.  Yet his greatest accomplishment may have been the kindness and tenderness he showed his wife, Annie.”  (p, 121)

            There have been times in my marriage that I have been annoyed and frustrated with my husband’s habits or reponses to certain situations.  When I look back and consider that if I had just allowed him to be him, without judging or condemning, I could have drawn closer to him instead of allowing the “poop” to affect my love for him.  Marvin J. Ashton, an apostle in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, my religion, explained charity this way: “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize some else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet.  Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcoming; having patience with someone who has let us down.” (The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword, Ensign, May 1992, p. 19)

            I am so excited to reread this chapter and begin applying it to my marriage and my life in general.  I am grateful for the opportunity to grow and become more like my Savior through acts of charity in my home and my marriage. 

Consecrating ourselves to our Marriage

Anyone that has been married, or even in a serious relationship, can probably testify that working together and managing conflict is a very important part of liking one another, which only enhances your love for one another.  We cannot go through life agreeing with everyone or everything.  This especially applies to someone we live with 24/7.  There are bound to be conflicts, small and seemingly of little importance when looked back upon, and others that can be big enough to cause major conflict and issues that we need to work through. 

This week’s lesson in my Marriage class was about managing conflict and consecrating ourselves to our marriage.  In Goddard’s pamphlet, Drawing Yourself into your Marriage, he quotes Kent Brooks of the BYU faculty in observing, "Our capacity to love a spouse deeply and our ability to experience great joy in marriage are commensurate with the degree to which we are willing to suffer and hurt, to labor and toil, and to persevere through moments of unhappiness, stress, disappointment, and tests of our patience and love for our partners." (p.106). We have to be willing to go through the tough times and conversations to grow together and become unified.  It is through these times that we have to draw on the Lord to help us remember the “why’s” of choosing our spouse and the desire to continue to strengthen our partnership.  John Gottman shared his belief that compromise is the only way to solve marital problems in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  He makes the point that is doesn’t seem right that either partner always gets their way, if they have a loving intimate relationship.  He shares steps that enable a compromise to happen in a healthy way. 

If we want to understand consecration, or the solemn dedication to a special purpose or service, in marriage, we must understand how dedicating ourselves to this sacred union and person can be valued.  Goddard states,  

“Consecration has everything to do with marriage. It is much more than "staying together for the kids." It is acting to redeem our partners and our covenants with everything we have and everything we may draw from Heaven. We do all of this in order to establish Zion in our homes.” (p105)

We must desire home as a heaven on earth, a place of peace and unity in purpose.  Through this desire of unity and consecration, we can invite the spirit to guide us in compromise and managing conflict. 

A few weeks ago I shared a picture and quote of a marriage being built one brick at a time.  While reading Goddard’s pamphlet this week I came across this quote that reiderates that thought. “But those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories. They are building an eternal relationship one brick at a time.” (p 109)

I am grateful for the times that my husband and I have been able to work through conflict in a productive, healthy way.  It has strengthened our marriage and commitment to one another to be one. 

Beware of Pride

“Research shows that a husband who can accept influence from his wife also tends to be an outstanding father.”  

                                                                    John Gottman (p.124)

This week in my Marriage class we are studying pride.  This quote by John Gottman (2015) shows that when we accept influence from our spouse, and let our pride and stubbornness fall away, we can become better spouses and parents.  Gottman also recognizes that it obviously takes two to make or break a marriage, so the principles we study in his book are not just about husbands.  As married couples we need to be on the “same team” in order to show respect and admiration for one another.  When we decide we need to prove we are right, we let pride creep into our marriage and put us on unleveled grounds with our spouse. 

President Ezra Taft Benson, a former president of my religion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, warned us against the dangers of pride in a talk he gave in 1989 titled, Beware of Pride. He describes most humans’ general definition of pride as, “self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness.”  He acknowledges that although these terms are correct in defining pride, one key feature is usually missing from our view, and that is, “enmity – enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen.  Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.”  When I read his explanation, I understood a little more why pride in a marriage can be so destructive. 

            When we are at odds, or opposition with our spouse, we can build hostility and hatred in our hearts towards them.  We see ourselves as “better than” or superior to them.  We can begin to bring contempt, one of Gottman’s four horsemen (p.32), into our marriage and ultimately turn our hearts away from them. 

            I have had to check myself with my husband and boys at times.  When I recognize that I want more than anything to “prove” I am right about something, my relationships with those I love most suffers.  Does it really matter?  Not in the end.  If I am in alliance with my husband to keep us “on the same team” so to speak, we can work through differences without having to prove anything.  In being unified, we work together to make our marriage and family stronger and more loving.  In President Benson’s talk he quoted Proverbs 16:18, “Pride goeth before destruction”.  This was pertaining to nations in the scriptures, but can easily be applied to a marriage, or even an individual. 

            I think one of the best ways to increase my humility and overcome pride is to remember that the relationship is the most important thing in a marriage and parental relationship.  Remembering that we are all on a journey and we need the love and support of our family to help us through is a great way to see the person with kindness.  When we choose to be humble and selfless, we can choose God, our marriage, and our family before our self. 

Building a strong Marriage, one brick at a time

The power of small and simple things is an amazing phenomenon when one really takes time to consider their effects.  I recently saw this quote on a picture of The Great Wall of China.  What an amazing wonder that wall is.  Who could have imagined the breadth of it’s magnitude when it was first begun?  Our own lives are like a brick wall.  When we use small acts of kindness towards anyone, especially our loved ones, the outcome and magnitude can be far grander than we ever imagined.  The same could be said of negative sentiments, but who would seek to begin such a wall of negativity if they could see even half way where it would lead.  A wall of positive sentiments can build strong marriages and families, brick by brick.

This week I have studied a couple of chapters in Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” on turning toward our loved ones, instead of away from them.  Gottman teaches that the basics of this idea are that each of us sends bids for connection, or support.  When we receive a “bid” from our spouse, we can respond by simply being aware, says Gottman (p.89).  “Turning toward operates under a law of positive feedback”, he continues.  We can build trust and connect with one another in tiny ways that reach far beyond what it seems a small act or response could…..just like placing one brick on the wall. 

A beautiful scripture from my churches modern day scriptures, the Doctrine and Covenants, was also shared with us this week  D&C 64:33 "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great." What a great promise to continue to lay the foundation to a great marriage by the small and simple things, turning towards, prioritizing our spouse, sharing an inside joke, or simply reaching out to hold a hand.  These small acts can build a wall that is strong and protecting from the weather and storms life can bring. 

Cherishing your Spouse

There are many couples who will attest that the first year of marriage was the roughest for them….. I can honestly say we are NOT one of them.  My husband and I were blessed to have the first several years of our marriage be everything we could have hope for, and more.  I could probably count on one hand the times we argued in the first ten years.  Does this mean we got along perfectly?  Does it mean one of us was more controlling over the relationship?  Does it mean that we never struggled financially or had to overcome hardship?  No to all of the above.  I think that it was how we decided to handle hard things and treat one another from the beginning.  My husband was taught, and since has taught our five boys, that “if you treat your wife like a queen, she will become one”.   For my husband and I, we started our marriage making sure that one another was the top priority.  We worked through issue that came up, stayed close to the spirit, and always honored one another in all of our decisions. 

            Since the first years of marriage, we have had our fair share of moments of disconnect, or living “parallel lives”, we have disagreed and had hurt feelings, but we are quick to recognize it and come together to reconnect through putting our busy schedules on hold, even for an evening, to talk and spend time prioritizing our marriage. 

            I have loved studying John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  This week in my marriage class we studied the chapters that focused on Love Maps, which is, “where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life” (pg. 54), and Fondness and Admiration.  These were great chapters where Gottman reminds us that we don’t need to wait for our marriages to be in trouble to follow these principles, they can be reviewed often to strengthen a flourishing relationship.  Both of these principles can help us cherish our spouse so that when those times of stress and frustration come, we can remind ourselves of why we love and admire them. 

            Perhaps in our early years of marriage, before we had kids that pulled so much of our attentions, we practiced some of these skills without even realizing it.  Perhaps we were just very twitterpated.  Whatever the reason for getting along so well in the early years, I am grateful for the friendship that we have continued to grow through dating weekly, wanting to spend time with one another than individually or with others, and the honoring of covenants that we made in our marriage vows for so many years. 

            I pray that my boys have all paid close attention to the way their dad treats me.  I hope that treat their wives like queens, and in turn, their wives treat them like kings, but they can always find ways to build their own love maps and admiration for one another that we try to continually do after 28 years of marriage. 

Strengthening our Marriage

For many of us that have committed ourselves to another through the sacred vows of marriage, hopefully we did so with an understanding that, just as we are not perfect, neither is the companion we are committing to.  Marriage is a most beautiful unity that binds a husband and wife to love and cherish, learn and grow together.  Some have a steeper learning curve than others, some never find that desire to blend, but I know from my own experience that although marriage takes a lot of patience, love and work, every day with my husband is a blessing to my life.

I strive every day to live worthy of the love my husband gives me.  I strive to live a covenant marriage and honor my vows with a commitment to enjoy every blissful moment, and grow through every challenging one.  It helps that my husband and I are best friends and lovers.  We enjoy the time we spend together, and look forward to the times we can escape everyday life to recommit to one another.  This doesn’t mean that we always agree, or never have hard conversations, but it does mean that we have a mutual respect that enables us to work WITH one another to overcome any challenge that is presented.

The most important love is a Christlike love, and if we have this love in our marriage, we can work through anything.  Joseph B. Wirthlin, an apostle and leader in my faith, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, once said, “There is no pain it cannot soften, no bitterness it cannot remove, no hatred it cannot alter.  The Greek playwright Sophocles wrote: ‘One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is Love.’  The most cherished and sacred moments of our lives are those filled with the spirit of love.  The greater the measure of our love, the greater is our joy.  In the end, the development of such love is the true measure of success in life.” (October, 2007 General Conference)

In a marriage class I am taking we began studying the book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman.  In the readings we see how a marriage that is based on friendship can help the positive override the negative sentiments in our relationships.  This doesn’t mean that with friendship our marriage will be perfect, but it will help us develop that Christlike love that will help lift us through the times when things get tense or hard.

There are many classes and books we can read on how to make our marriages work and be successful.  I believe that with effort and long suffering, we can learn to work through difficult times in such a way that can help our marriage grow if handled right.  I also believe that some of the best books are the scriptures.  When we apply the teachings from the scriptures into our lives and marriages, we can find peace and love that man alone may struggle to develop.